What's he do for crust, mate?

Now what the hell does that mean?  I actually heard "crux", even more confusing but he did say crust.  "Crust" means bread which means money.  So "What's he do for crust, mate?"  Translates to - What does he do for a living.

I would suggest everyone get a MacQuaries Dictionary for the Aussie slang before you visit.

I finally spoke to a porn star!

Last year you may remember that I posted about Baroness Von Pornstar who attended the annual Tree Lighting Ceremony with HRH in attendance.  I deleted the post as I was new to the blog world and immediately received a note from a reader that he knows her and he was asking who I was to write about her.  I didn't really want to cause that much of a stir so I deleted the post.

This year I have figured out how to block that person from following me (I think) and once again have the opportunity to post something.  The reason I can write again is that I met her last night in the flesh.  If you recall, the rumor is that she purchased her Baroness title in Germany which makes her a bit of a fraud but indeed is a former soft porn actress from the 60's.  If she is indeed a Baroness, I am sure she did her family proud by then becoming a Pornstar.  Either way, she's a character.

While I was keeping an eye on her from the start because she was crashing a party for which she was not invited, she really wasn't doing anything wrong but eating and drinking a bit.  Until that fateful moment.  She claims that she knows the King of Thailand and carries a photo-shopped picture to prove it, she said she knows the Pope (I didn't ask which one, remember she's old), she said she knows the Queen of England too.  But her fateful moment was when she jumped in front of the Princess as she entered the building and apparently this Princess doesn't know the Baroness.

We were immediately notified to control this "guest", who claims she has been attending this event for 20 years, and if we did not, the Palace Police would physically remove the 80 year old Pornstar.  I had the fun of finally approaching her and confronting her on the attack, asking why she crashes the party each year (same answer, knowing the Pope), and telling her that she was not welcome back unless she was an invited guest.  She stayed clear of the Princess the rest of the night and I think she got the message.

Needless to say, another holiday party has come and gone and we all look forward to next year to see if the Baroness Von Pornstar ends her 20 year reign.

The Christmas Stories continue - The Santaland Diaries by David Sedaris

The best time you will spend this holiday season. So grab an eggnog, sit back and enjoy David's reading.

Part 1



Part 2



Part 3



Part 4

It's that time of year - my favorite Christmas Stories

Seasons Greetings to our Friends and Family!

Part 1



Part 2

Is Oxygen Dangerous?

I was sitting at a table of all Thai colleagues and discussing walking through the park next to my house.  I was told and it was unanimously supported by the table that walking in the midst of all the carbon dioxide that the trees put out is dangerous and I should not do it so much.

I took a second and put on my "are you smarter than a 5th grader" hat and said trees emit oxygen not CO2.  Further more, it isn't ever dangerous to be near a tree for the O2 it is putting out, lightening yes, O2, NO.  This caused a table discussion where everyone, not joking and dead serious, said that is what they all learned in school.

What is the country teaching its youth?

Grandma says the darndest things

This came to me via the Mandarin language speakers on an airline we all know and love.

OK, I'm Back.

Now don't think that things have gone down the toilet since I posted last but that last post really reminded me of a couple of funnies that just make me laugh.

When you have a bit of gas and just don't know what to do. Better out than in, I say.

And of course this one. Always a favorite.

Oops I crapped my pants

I have been MIA recently due to being stuck in the Twitterverse. The unknown area that reaches potentially millions of people around the world instantly. Really a fantastic phenomenon but one that does take a bit of cyber attention and energy.

That said I had to come back to share my Friday laughter therapy. I still laugh when I read this.

Just saying hi hope you're well. Spent a loooonnnnnngggg weekend with (name withheld) here and now I'm convinced (name withheld)'s retarded. Worst guest EVER. She shit the bed among other accomplishments. Anyhow. Xoxo

My first reaction was, did (name withheld) stay in the bed I sleep in when I visit? Answer, no. Whew!

Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

Twitter me this

I am having so many conversations these days about Twitter I am about to start telling people to go tweet themselves. If they think this is the next coming of Christ then why the hell aren't they tweeting themselves? I realize it reaches people but what I have also seen recently is a guy who tweeted his entire holiday in Maui. What kind of SMF (twitter talk for sad mother f%$ker) spends his entire time in Maui tweeting and responding to the returned tweets.

Get me another Lahaina Lemonade and screw this Twitter crap.

RBSC - If only this was Universal

Played golf today at the Royal Bangkok Sports Club. An 18 hole golf club in the center of Bangkok. I never thought 18 holes could fit in to the center of a horse racing track but it does. Not only that, I still shot a 97 which is what I shoot when I play a course of 5500 yards.

The most unusual part is that on every water hole, there were plenty, there was a guy swimming in the pond just in case you dropped one in the water. I didn't lose one but I think you had to slip him a few hundred baht if he found it. But when does he come out of the water?

How much is too much?

Received an email which was copied to all in the building today, that's 600 people:

Khun XXXX in hospital for hemorrhoid surgery. Expected release is unknown.

So how much information is too much? We care about our employees and we want them to feel we do appreciate the job they do but really, how much is too much?

Do I really need to know about her hemmies?

Roon-ism

Roon-ism for the day to the airport:

Roon, I good road. (Then laughing at himself hysterically)

On the way to the airport today, Khun Roon did a D&W, Duck and Weave to avoid the traffic and end up where we needed to be, on the freeway. We ended up through the Big Echo and a bank then out to Wireless and through a double lane past the US Embassy.

Roon, you good road!!!

Save the Drama for your Mama!

You have an intern who looks like the little doll pictured here. You add in her Hi-So family and her attitude of not wanting to fit in to the corporate culture and you have the drama for the day.

When does bright red hair and contact lenses, which make your eyes bigger and blacker, fit in with a culture of conservatism?

We aren't a match, go save the drama for your mama!

Copper and Garlic

You won't know what I am referring to unless you live here but there is an overall bad breath problem in Thailand. The food is just amazing and as such everyone eats it all the time, breakfast, lunch and dinner. But with eating the basic food for all meals there is an overall bad breath problem in Thailand. Imagine sucking on a coin then a piece of garlic. That is what it smells like.

Scenario #1: The taxi driver had to get an air freshener as I think he was grossing himself out with his breath following his morning bowl of noodles.

Scenario #2: You sit in the chair getting your hair washed at the salon and even through they are using some very strong fragrance shampoo, the overwhelming power of the hair washer's breath breaks through and here comes the copper garlic smell.

I know its cultural but it's every where.

In Celebration of the 4th of July

As an American it's all about the July 4th BBQ. Ok, not really but on this one day we do indeed fire up the BBQ and grill a few steaks, burgers, breasts and perhaps a dog or two.

On this occasion here in Bangkok we don't just fire up the BBQ but we have our Housekeepers stand over the grill so we don't have get hot and smokey. That is the scene yesterday at a BBQ we were invited to attend. I expected the ex-pat men standing over the grill, beer in hand, asking everyone, "how do you like 'em?" but no, it was the housekeeper sweating and standing over the open flames, looking like "what the f#@k is this shit?".

So on this occasion of firing up the barbie, I guess the phrase is not "how do you like 'em?" but "mai pen rai!"

Roon-isms

In an adventure last night, we head to what is being sold to me as a romantic lake setting with a fantastic local Thai restaurant. It didn't start out that way. After two attempts of grabbing a taxi that we need to take us the 55 km to the restaurant, there is no one that will take us and they all tell us to get out of the car.

To the rescue...Khun Roon. My ever semi-faithful regular taxi driver who happens to be sitting in my driveway with an overheated engine. He looks at the map which is written in Thai and shouts, CAN! He slams in the last bottle of water to the engine, drops the hood down and off we go. After many stops to let the engine cool down, finally make to the restaurant on the lake.

Here come the isms.

"You call, I come, 2 hours"

"I found, Roon happy!"

"Roon good driver, practice go carts"

Just a few of them as our journey took us nearly two hours with the traffic. He waited until we were done, he fixed the car while we ate dinner then we were off again back to the city.

The Inca Trail and beyond

I am out of the clouds and off the trail, considered to be one of the toughest treks in the world, the Inca Trail. With a four day hike and walking 48 km or 30 miles at altitudes ranging from 8,000 feet to 13,900 feet or 2,500 meters to 4,200 meters, it is grueling and something that brings one to understand that the Incas were one tough group of people. They built 5,000 km of trails all from grainte blocks from the years 1200 to 1600 before the Spanish over threw their kingdom. What the spaniards didn't find was Machu Picchu as well as many other sites.

Take a look at these videos to get an understanding of the trek and the terain contained in the Peruvian Andes.

You know you're in Saudi when...

When you land in Riyadh it is so obvious as to where you are for the following reasons:

1. The air is so dry you have constant nose bleeds.

2. For miles/kilometers you see nothing but sand, sand and more sand.

3. Every man walking is wearing a white robe with red checkered head dress and you start to think it looks pretty comfortable given the 47C degree day.

4. The black ghosts you see walking silently are sporting a beautiful set of eyes through the 2 cm opening and you wonder who is under that thing.

5. You see the women (black ghosts) toating all the luggage and children at the airport while the men are only carrying a brief case.

6. It's 10:15pm and you are still waiting for a client to show for a dinner appointment, who in actuality is only 15 minutes late due to traffic.

7. You have an audience with HRH Prince XXXX, the King's brother, and you are the only foreginer in the receiving room and all the white robed men are staring at you, wondering why you want to see him.

8. Through out the day you are interupted with hypnotic hymns wailing from the mosques and the entire country stops to pray but you.

9. And the most obvious reason you know you're in Saudi is when you are at a restaurant and are handed a cocktail menu, the specialty of the house, mojitos, doesn't list a drop of rum.

10. Inshala!

All Alcoholics, Listen Up!

For all the alcoholics in the room, you don't need to say who you are, you really need to come to the Middle East. It's a cleansing place where one can rid themselves of the toxins of the drink. Flush your body with a glass of fruit juice, then another glass, then another since that is all that is served here. This isn't intended as a colon cleansing, remember why you are here, it's about your love of the drink.

Yes, if you are really serious about giving up the buzz, get on a plane and head to the the land of sand.

The Underdog, The Unexpected...The Winner!

I may have been living under a rock, or at least in Bangkok or even Tokyo for that matter but I have just heard on the news the latest sensation to hit the show Britain's Got Talent. Now I know you may have heard of this already and forgive me for being behind but I can't get enough of this underdog winning and making such an international sensation.

Youtube has just with one posting over 25 million views of her audition for the show. There are many that are posted and all of them growing in clicks and views.

It's the feel good moment of the week when the Bangkok city streets were erupting with Dan the Man reporting and the economy still in the dumper, then comes Susan Boyle.

Feel good about this moment for her and for the world.

CNN's Dan Rivers is a big girl!

When it comes to reporting, Dan Rivers is a big girl. There I said it again.

I know it must be quite scary to be in the center of a riot and not really know what will happen next but let's ask ourselves the true question, why was he there?

Is Dan Rivers there to be dramatic and help the ratings for CNN by sensationalizing the reports? Or is he there to give a factual report of a political situation that has erupted in to public unrest?

There are many facts that he left out or sensationalized this weekend. Here are two that were favorites of mine that stuck with me:

• He reported that the Army was firing AK-47 rifles into the air and at the crowd of demonstrators. The Army actually used blanks or "paper" bullets - he forgot that little point.
  
• He used the term Molotov Cocktail Bombs repeatedly in his segments, sounds so much more dramatic than gasoline bombs, the term used by the BBC and ABC.

I understand if you are on the street and start to hear the sound of machine gun fire, that would unnerve the most experienced of reporters, with the exception of Dan Rather maybe. But unlike the BBC and ABC (Australian Broadcast Corp) who actually reported that they were firing blanks, Dan the man kept reporting about the gun fire, leaving the blanks part out. Didn't the lack of bloodshed and lack of dead bodies on the street raise a question in his mind?  Maybe he thought we wouldn't ask that question.

The BBC and ABC reporters, who were also located amongst the chaos, were factual and not over dramatizing the situation; I give them both a lot of credit. Dan on the other hand, not so much.

On another note, Dan who is ever diligent in the pursuit of sensational journalism, gave the impression to the world that the entire city was under siege while clearly mentioned by the BBC and ABC, in the rest of the city, outside of the government house areas, the Thai people were celebrating the Songkarn New Year water festival.  Making their only New Year wish that the world see Thailand as a peaceful nation so that life can get back to normal for everyone.

Red Shirt Tea Party

What would you do for a thousand baht?  What would you do for a thousand baht a day?  What would you do for a thousand baht a day including food and water?...and a red shirt?  For your knowledge, a thousand baht is US$30.  That is what the Red Shirt party is offering to protestors who come and fight the cause for them regardless of their political position.

The bloody Red Shirt protestors have once again fucked up this country and are taking it down all for $30 per day.  While the leaders of the game have changed from the November 2008 government over throw, the protestors have not.  They are the same up country folks who normally make $15 a day wages while they farm or work in factories.  With the exiled Prime Minister pulling the strings and funding the war, why not shut down the country that provides just $15 per day to the majority of its people.  Even $30 is better, no?

If only they realized that CNN and all the other national television news stations from around the world are covering their 3rd world government overthrow.  Making the country look out of control and a place on par with the Republic of Georgia.  And who in their right mind is going to Georgia right now?

Would everyone just settle down and wait for the next election please.  We may not like our leaders but we don't try to club them to death and chase them through the building.

Happy freakin' Easter!

Another Songkran Holiday

Well it's that time of year again.  Yes, the time when we defend our cell phones from the adolescent terrorists who roam the streets of Bangkok celebrating the Thai New Year.  They search for potential targets then soak them up with jasmine scented water from the "Super Soaker" type squirt guns they carry so blatantly in the public eye.

Yes its Songkran time!  Time to beat the heat of Thailand by taking in a bit of cool wetness and maybe being chucked into a pool when you walk past and expect it the least.

Tourists beware!

Did I mention the advert for Miss Songkran pageant?  All men welcome.

Yu wan stetch?

Everyone needs to understand the benefits of a full stetch after a big workout.  It helps your posture, it helps lengthen your muscles and above all it helps your back, boy does it help your back; especially when your hip is pulled from its joint and then put back in place, ahhhhh.

So next time you work out, don't forget to stetch.

Japanese Culture

I am in route home after an amazing wedding this weekend.  Masayuki weds Jodie and with it come the Japanese clan down to Byron Bay.  Here we have a 70ish proud Japanese man who doesn't speak English and having had a stroke a few years ago, walking with a cane and needing help to approach the front, give a perfect speech in English that starts with:

Today is a proud day!

He then proceeds to give the entire speech in English with his wife giving him cues behind him.  If you haven't studied or been to Japan you won't get this but the Japanese culture is like nothing else on this earth.

There is nothing that would have stopped that man from giving that speech and nothing short of death would have stopped him from making it to the front of the room.  They are proud and a wonderfully respectful nation.

 

All you need is love, da da dada dah...

Out to dinner tonight at the restaurant Zense at Central World, that tells us upon arrival, Reservation?  No, none tonight.  Sorry we are completely booked.  Really?  You never are and we live here to know.  Yes, no seats available tonight... well hang on just a minute.  OK, come with me.

As it turns out, the restaurant is completely empty all night except for us and a single girl with a Pepsi cup and a margarita in front of her.  This is a martini Ritzy-Tittsy type of place, they don't serve Pepsi cups here.  The girl looks like she is holding down this table for 10, maybe the first to arrive of the group. 

Not so much.

After sitting there a while, she proceeds to put her head down on the table for a good long nap with no one noticing from the staff.  

She then proceeds to start wailing loud and solemn, like the boyfriend she was waiting for just jilted her on V-day weekend.

Hours later she is passed out sleeping on the table and the staff wrap her in a blanket, how nice.  She is still wailing by the way, albeit quieter now.

After one of the worst dinners I have ever had from a service perspective, we leave and walk by the girl who after three hours is still passed out but now with one eye open.   She is obviously acting to see if anyone besides the staff will pay attention so that she can find the love of her life. It is Valentine's Eve by the way.  As we walk by her to leave the restaurant we say, give it up, your not going to pull tonight, she looks up at us and gives us a wink.  

Come on!  Give me a break here.  How desperate are you?

Extra Sundays

This was a long weekend in Thailand. The holiday was on Monday so that was a an extra Sunday in my book. What was the holiday? Makha Bucha Day of course.

It commemorates two separate events that occurred on the same date 45 years apart, during the Buddha's lifetime 2,500 years ago. The first event was the coming together of 1,250 monks from all locations and directions, to meet and be ordained by the Buddha. This event occurred seven months after the Buddha began his teaching. The second event, which occurred 45 years later, was the Buddha delivering his teachings shortly before his death. Both of these events occurred on the day of the full moon of the third lunar month, a month known in the Buddhist Pali language as 'Makha'.

Regardless and this is not meant to be inappropriate but it's still an extra Sunday.

Sales Training 101

My life right now is all about finding anyone who will come and spend money.  Oh, and why are people spending money next door and not here?

So with that, the pressure is on to find the next big tuna, or any tuna or any school of minnows swimming by.  A friend shared this with me and I have been referring to it a great deal in the past few weeks, even shared it with the corporate higher ups. I know its a very old video but one that is getting me through this little crisis. Sales Training 101. 

This just in from Tokyo

It's been a while since posting, mainly cuz I think the early part of the year is all about dealing with post holiday follow up and catch up and you don't have time to scratch your arse. Well just when you think you have nothing to report, your buddy in Tokyo sends over something to make your morning.

"The put water cap opened by downing it the turn in the reception desk at checout and candid advice was said.  It apologized then and there.  I hear that the guest did not have the appearance of anger.  There was a thing the amount of the number of water centimeter where the cap opened certainly has decreased when going to the room for the confirmation.  It is noted there is not the future this.  It Anauss it as the morning briefing."

Usually I can decipher what the emails are about but here on this day, today, not a freakin' clue.  The only thing I get from this is the guest was not angry or so they heard.

And this guy was on my team.  Course he did slam a shot of soy sauce thinking it was an espresso and had to have his stomach pumped at 4am when he was Manager on Duty, not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Monday Morning Quarterback

By definition, it is a person who calls the perfect game on Monday when all the big games took place on the Saturday and Sunday prior.  One who points out the obvious and always wants people to think they knew how it "should have gone" a few days following the outcome.  In the US we call that Monday morning quarterback.  It might also be known throughout the world as "hind sight is 20/20".

This of course takes place in the business world as well.  And today is Monday so out come the quarterbacks.  For once I would like them to suit up prior to the game, be in the game, get beat up and thrown about like everyone else in the game and not just show up after the fans have all gone home and the lights in the stadium have been turned off.

New Political Party in Thailand

I am sure you are all tuned to your televisions and are searching out our political situation in Thailand, why wouldn't you be? Well you have probably not heard that there is a third political party, yes a third party of all things. Of course you know we have the Yellow shirts and of course the Red shirts.  They are the ones that shut down the airport and have caused trauma and disrepair to this great country with no regard for the people.  Now, there is the No shirts.  

The No Shirt party comes to us in protest of the protestors - to show how absolutely sick the country is of this red vs yellow shirt crap.  The people of Thailand are suffering through lack of business to the hospitality industry and by the corporate decisions to move manufacturing off to Malaysia and Singapore.  So in support of the No Shirt political party, I say YAY and you have my vote.  Enough of this color stuff.

Only in Bangers

While the sentiment is nice and of course the service is unexpected at a Holiday Inn, you have to laugh a little at the name of the staff member. Only in Bangkok.

Say it fast and with a south Philly accent.

Elephant Body Surfing

Just returned from a long weekend down in Phuket.  

While the sun was not out until the last two days, I did get to witness some great body surfing.