Amazing Thailand

Thailand is more than just amazing smiles. It is the place you can have amazing surgeries.  For just a fraction of the cost, a hospital is advertising procedures that range from the common tummy tuck and butt lift to the obscure sexual reassignment surgery.  And what is that second one anyway?  Yes, Amazing Thailand is continuing to amaze me.

Has this ever happened to you?

This could only happen to a guy; so what would you do?  You are standing at the urinal; one hand holding your jacket and one hand on your johnson, when a mosquito flies towards your face, landing on your forehead.  Now you have three options as I see it.

A.  Move the hand holding your jacket and slap the mosquito, thus getting you suit coat wet.
2.   Release your johnson risking a "wild fire hose" effect and soaking your pants and your shoes.
c.   Do nothing and let the little bugger bite you, causing you see clients the rest of the day with a little red dot on your forehead.

What would you do?

The Mother-in-law Chronicles

I wish I had a dollar for every time I have heard this phrase over the last two weeks, "Becca, I can't believe you don't already have your bag packed, when do you plan on doing that?"  For those not in the circle, Bec isn't due until the end of January, plenty of time to "pack a bag" if we so desire.

In an informal Carolyn survey of unsuspecting bystandards, she found that actually no one has had a bag packed and the survey goes on to find, no one needed one.  While disappointing to the surveyor, the harping continues none the less.

Last night we also heard a new one which needs special mention, "I hope you pull yourself together after the baby is born for decent photos, can't have bad photos you know".

Just 2 more days! Emirates, take her away!

The Mother-in-law Chronicles

Today's Chronicle is when the MIL plays mind games with the dog.  What a mind fuck it is when the MIL tries to make the dog feel bad for her not feeling his love.  Here's the situation.

The MIL wants to take the dog for a walk.  The dog is so tired of her shit he only goes with her if she lures him out with food.  Once the dog has the food he bolts it back up the stairs and refuses to go back out with the MIL.  For the remainder of the evening the MIL tries to make the dog feel guilty that her feelings are hurt.

You really think the dog gives a shit about her feelings?  He just wanted the damn treat.

She doesn't have a clue.

The Mother-in-law Chronicles

What are the boundaries one adheres to when visiting someone in their home?  Does the visitor have the right to rearrange pictures on the wall just because they think a certain one would look better over there?  Do they have the right to go through the desk of bank statements and investment documents and move all of them out, putting them in a separate box and tucked away in another room?

No, the mother-in-law doesn't have this right.  I can tell you two things, #1 three weeks with us is toooo long and #2 the next time I am in Sydney, I am moving her shit around, just to piss her off.

Five days to go.

BANGKOK POST 13 October 2011: Just a good read from Bangkok! 

This little ditty was in the BP a couple of weeks ago on how to deal with strange things you find in the flood waters.

Alert rescuers when dealing with large creatures. In the case of smaller ones like scorpions or centipedes, use a long wooden stick to steer them into a bucket and cover it with a piece of cloth or blanket and wait for the rescuers, but keep children away. If the rescuers are too busy or far away, you may have to 'beat them to death', but if it happens to be a big snake, cover it with blankets and wait for a professional hand to arrive and deal with the problem.

As a safeguard against snakes, people should hit the ground or water with a wooden stick before stepping forward. However, the noise can alert crocodiles to attack them. Therefore stay quiet if you spot one. When attacked by the beast, try to stick in a wooden wedge before it is able to lock its jaws on you. It is a very difficult thing to do, but it is better than doing nothing to save your own life.

The Flood of the Century

The title says it all except that it's not.  We watch the news, we monitor Twitter and news feeds and nothing.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not out looking for danger or wishing to get in to the heart of the action like having to evacuate my home or my family as so many have done.  But, when friends are now making a game of it - Let's Go Flood Spotting and also Hunt for the Crocodiles, then we have a problem.

The problem is not the game itself, the problem is the action just hasn't come to us yet and yet we keep hearing about it.  It's like hearing the roaring crowd of the stadium across the city and while you can't stand the game inside, you just want to know what's happening in there.

Up the duffski!

Oh, the joys of morning sickness.  Not really for mornings anymore!

Some good quotes:

"The dog's breath smells like used sanitary napkins. (Author's note:  a few minutes ago, she said it smelled like old raw fish.)"

"I had to take off my nail polish, the color is making me throw up."

"New Blog idea for you, "Stuff my knocked up bitch says!"  (I think she has a point.)"

Yes, we have made it to that point in our lives where we are going to expand the clan.  To some, this may be the announcement, how do you bring this up to them in normal conversation at lunch?  Gomen! To others, mainly just family, it is just proof in the pic.

Yes, we are up the duff and it seems like it will stick.  The world is moving fast.

The Roon-in-ator

The color of the taxi may be different and he may have put on a few pounds/kg, he may even have been missing for the last 9 months, but alas, the Roon-in-ator is back.  Similar to last time, he found me on the street corner, waiting for me in the morning as I hailed a cab to take me the 15 minute walk to work.  Khun Roon was there yelling, "Hey Boss, Hey Boss".  I immediately welcomed him back.

Turns out his previous two tone red and blue taxi was repossessed for non payment and the sidewalk noodle stand didn't pan out just as he thought, but Khun Roon is back and still as funny and quirky as ever.  To my knowledge he has no more children, already with two sets of twins from different mothers, and he immediately wanted to know about Khun Boss Lady and if she was "baby?".  Sorry to disappoint.

There IS normalcy in Bangkok, even if it took 9 months for him to return.  Just in time for the rainy season to begin.

Which Fag to Fly

A funny note from today's emails. Definitely worth sharing.

We are on the process of the 5 fag poles installation ,just to let you know we have to purchase 10 national fags as per your list , have check with banquet there are no any fag that size for fag no. 7 can you let us know what fag and do they will bring here with them or we have to purchase please let us know ASAP krub

Regarding the cost of fags what account we can refer to krub.

You just have to laugh at this.

Death in Thailand

Funeral ceremonies can be from 3 days to a year long.

Death in Thailand is a unique experience for not only the person in the box I would imagine but for those left in the audience.  Here are a few things that happened this week that I find fascinating and troubling all at the same time.

Religion in many ways is better than people.  You look at some of the turmoil and strifes affecting countries and regions around the world and many times it is in the name of religion.  In general, the purpose of religion is to do good for people and give them hope or something to look forward too, be it in life or death.  People on the other hand are the cause of why religion turns evil.  The teachings say one thing and the people do another.  Take the catholic church for instance.  The bible teaches good while the priests embezzle and become pedophiles.  In the Buddhist religion, the monks live a life of simplicity but the people cheat and steal from one another to better themselves and gain control and power over each other.  In both examples, not a very good way of living if you want to get to a better place after the box.

As you can see, wreaths with the sender's name or company are placed in the temple to show the family that they care.  But what does it show to the family when a limo company who manages and owns a large fleet of Mercedes, hires a motorbike taxi to deliver the wreath?  Not only that, but then the motorbike driver pulls out additional flowers and garnish to finish the wreath while the service is taking place.  It seems everyone does a little bit of everything in Thailand.

Funerals in Thailand are no different from everyday life.  There are those with money and considered higher class and there are those that do not have the means and considered lower class.  So in a funeral temple, there has to be the VIP section for the Hi-So mourners.  This is an obvious section designated by more comfortable chairs and coffee and tea service.  So respected is this VIP section that no one can leave the temple once the service is over until the VIPs have left the room first.  All must remain seated or at least in your seating area.

Sometimes the deceased is of such great stature or perhaps the family is of that level that the temple must set up Mezzanine seating.  This is generally outdoors and across the walkway.  I didn't see any VIPs sitting in that section for sure.

The final interesting note is that in all walks of Thai life there is food; funeral services are no different.   When the monks take a break, out comes the snack boxes, usually sponsored by a company or family other than that of the deceased.  Everyone breaks them open like a picnic lunch and enjoys a little nibble while the dead just hang out up front.

Yes, in Thailand, there are many unique experiences and this week was one I will not forget.